jealousy

Slaying the Green-Eyed Dragon: A Lesson in Jealousy

  • Do you discuss problems in your relationship with friends or family instead of with your partner?
  • Do you often find yourself feeling or acting judgmental towards your partner?
  • Do you allow negative feelings—about your partner or relationship—to fester, and discover that they are ignited or further fueled by conversations with friends and family?

WHEN JEALOUSY IS IGNITED

Perhaps one of the most classic stories about secrecy and jealousy is that once penned by Shakespeare—the tragic tale of Othello. The play delves into the consequences of a closed communication within a relationship: hiding true feelings from one’s partner and instead discussing problems, concerns, and suspicions with other people who may not have your best interests—or your relationship’s best interests—at heart. Shakespeare’s play, as timeless today as it was when it was written in the early 1600’s, reveals a frightening scenario of what can ensue from marinating negative emotions—something that’s sadly all too common in our culture.

Othello, the protagonist of the play, is a black Moor and a General in the Venetian army who falls in love with the beautiful Caucasian Desdemona, an esteemed Senator’s daughter. Though they marry for love—and are both genuinely in love with one another—Othello can’t bring himself to truly believe in his good fortune. It seems he can’t believe and thus trust that Desdemona unconditionally loves him despite their cultural and social differences. Instead of sharing these emotions and thoughts with her, he instead marinates in his own insecurities. Worse, he confides in Iago—a man whom Othello considers a trustworthy friend, but who in fact has his own evil agenda to undermine the marriage due to his own jealousy at Othello’s success and the couple’s apparent happiness.

Iago proves to be greatly manipulative; as Othello opens up to him and shares his private insecurities, Iago fuels these insecurities and fears, ultimately convincing Othello that the lovely Desdemona has been an unfaithful wife. Othello, plagued by his fears, succumbs to jealousy; this jealousy, in turn, ignites such a rage in him that he actually murders his wife. Upon realizing—too late—Iago’s manipulative nature and lies, Othello then commits suicide.  

While this may seem like an extreme example of how insecurity, jealousy, and clinging to grievances all fuel resentment in the most lethal way, it is an apt representation of how marinating in negative emotions leads only to a darker perception of—and reaction to—reality. Life is, after all, 5% what happens to us and 95% how we react to it. Othello’s tragedy exemplifies the importance of examining personal insecurities, fears, and projections, and trying first to resolve them within a relationship before turning to those who feed off of—and contribute to—the negativity.  

“O! beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock, the meat it feeds on.” –William Shakespeare, Othello

NOW

We are all human; we are each a living embodiment of light and shadow, of yin and yang. By looking objectively at ourselves and opening up to our partner about our journey, we move towards better and away from bitter. The NOW strategy reveals how Othello trapped himself in a downward spiral of toxic thoughts and feelings, allowing the negative influence of others to further chain him down…

 

  • Notice that Othello never asked the questions that he needed to directly ask his wife. He had nothing to lose—and everything to gain—if he’d approached Desdemona to talk to her about his fears and concerns from the very beginning. With open communication and mutual trust, they could have worked to forge an unbreakable bond that would ensure their lifelong commitment, love, and joy together. Even if (despite being driven by his doubts, fueled by Iago), Othello had thought to confront his wife at the last moment in a calm and reasonable manner, he would have given her a chance to open his eyes to the truth.  
  • Opportunities… were plentiful for Othello to see that he was clearly projecting his own insecurities on Desdemona; he did not see her as a unique woman and his worthy partner in whom he could confide—instead, she was the mirror for his deep-seated fears. Had he allowed himself to step back and examine more clearly his own feelings and the cause of those feelings, Othello would have given himself the opportunity to question his thoughts and reactions before reaching the point of no return.
  • Within… The biggest journey and battle Othello would have ever taken in his life—a famed Venetian General (and actually one of the first black heroes in English literature)—would be the journey of self-discovery. Such an exploration always begins within oneself. He could have discovered and deciphered the venomous stories he told himself and would then be able to choose to be better instead of bitter.

“Jealousy—tormenting yourself, for fear you should be tormented by another.” –Paul Chatfield

THE PATH TO MINDFULNESS

Relationships can truly make or break us—but their power to influence us is at whatever degree we give them; it depends on us. Through relationships, we have the power to grow and improve alongside our partner. The best relationships, indeed, are those that make you say “he/she makes me want to be a better person”—and ideally the feeling is mutual. It’s a journey you embark on together. It’s something you must work on daily, providing compassion for both yourself and your partner, exposing yourself and becoming vulnerable to true intimacy. It’s the only way to fully live.

Unlike Othello, it is best if you realize it sooner rather than later.

In my years as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen countless people turn away from their partner and seek, instead, the solace of friends and family, when their first choice should have been their partner. Too often, the problem escalates just because well-meaning people fuel the flames of fears and insecurities; these friends or family members may even have the best intentions, but they give bad advice just because they can’t imagine that that their loved one might be telling them only half of the story: their perception of the story, biased by grudges or insecurities.

I remember one couple that was undergoing therapy to overcome their toxic feelings towards each other, and I called out the husband because he clearly believed that he played no part in their destructive dance. My approach was to use humor to soften the blow; I turned and asked him: “You think you’re a cupcake, don’t you?” He laughed at the metaphor but I noted that it did hit home; from that day, he began tackling the very difficult task of examining the part that he played in their mutual grudge story, and then at last accepting accountability for his own actions. Years later after the therapy’s successful completion, I happened to run into him again; he told me that when his female neighbor had once visited and tried to complain about all her husband’s shortcomings, my former client told her to come back when she knew she was not a cupcake.

It’s remarkably easy to begin a destructive dance within a relationship. Mindfulness can prevent this by providing the self-awareness and focus needed to ground oneself—and therefore the ability to assess a situation and calmly respond. It provides these tools to change the dance steps. It enables responses, not reactions. Sometimes all it takes is sitting out the dance, learning to watch, and becoming curious about how it proceeds.

You can change your steps once you mind the music.  

“It is also good to love: because love is difficult. For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us … loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent?); it is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself … for the sake of another person.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

PRACTICE

In healthy and happy relationships, the rights of the individual are inexpiably tied to the family; members are able to be close yet separate. That is a dance which we work to perfect all our lives. The maxim, “Love one another as thyself” is a natural, guiding principle in successful relationships.

Do you love yourself? Othello’s insecurities, self-doubt, and self-loathing inevitably ate him alive. Learning to change your inner narrative is a challenging process, but the rewards are invaluable as you learn to live and act from a source of love instead of anger and fear. Through mindfulness practice, you learn to shine your inner light onto the world, casting it gently and without judgment.

When your partner hurts or angers you, use mindfulness to bring compassion to your partner by stepping back and watching how the dance between both of you unfolded. Seek to understand why your partner uses destructive steps and how you follow. Recall times that you might have done or said something similar and begin to see your partner and yourself as flawed human beings. As you soften your thoughts you will notice a shifting away from thinking of the other person as villain and you as victim.

  • Step back.
  • Seek to understand the pattern of the dance.
  • Recall times you have also mis-stepped; you, too, are beautifully flawed.
  • De-vilify your partner and de-victimize yourself; soften your thoughts by watching the dance objectively.
  • Choose a difference step; begin a different dance.

You will be better able to see the part you play in a negative dance and move in the direction of love and healing. A famous family therapist and researcher, Dr. Sue Johnson, notes that couples begin to change when they soften towards one another. Remember that healing your relationship begins by healing yourself; healing yourself is done by adjusting your perspective and mentality.

“The door to the human heart can be opened only from the inside.” –Spanish Proverb

How do couples keep the flames alive and glowing without burning out? How can you remain the best of lovers and the best of friends? Find out in Friendship On Fire.

getting married

Marriage: How to Remain The Best of Lovers and The Best of Friends

Are you getting married? Or newly married? Have you wondered, “How do we remain the best of lovers and the best of friends after we’re married? Is it possible for us to stay in love for decades? Can our love last? Can we live our dreams and still live in reality?” The answer is yes, but you will need a map for your long journey of life together. 

As a marriage and family therapist for over thirty years, Dr. Linda Miles has lived the questions of how to manage the energies of love on a daily basis.  Based on her work and counseling sessions with couples – and her personal experiences – she has prepared a practical and engaging book that shares how it is to live and enjoy good relationships by building it on Friendship on Fire.  Only when a couple establishes a loving and lasting connection that they will have a fulfilling union.

So what is it?  How does one achieve Friendship on Fire?  Let Dr. Linda Miles share the ways good relationships give life.  For you to enjoy a compassionate, sensual, and lasting bond, you have to find your true home with your partner.  Friendship on Fire is the key; the friendship will offer safety and the fire will provide the sparks in your connection.

Love is a fire.  Like a fire, it explodes then it gradually dies down.  It’s up to you to keep the fire aglow.  You hold the matches so you have to keep the fire under control.  Let Dr. Linda Miles share some secrets to successful and lasting relationships based on real life  Friendships on Fire….couples who have been married for 30,40 or 50 years whose brain scan still look like teenagers in love without the anxiety.

Commitment Ignites Great Sex

Laura was a middle-aged woman with a lasting and loving marriage to Hugh. Her parents were strong models of a Friendship on Fire. As a child, she shared a bedroom with her sister and her bed happened to be next to the wall of her parents’ bedroom. Most nights, she went to sleep to the sound of her parents’ laughter.

When she was a teenager, she figured out that after many years of marriage her parents still shared a joyful intimacy. She thought that all children grew up with parents who ended their day with a joyful and loving connection. As a result she sought out and married a happy and loving man.

Masters and Johnson referred to good sex as, two children under the sheets.” In order to have this kind of physical intimacy you must be able to let go and relax. Orgasm is about letting go. It takes time for a couple to learn how to pleasure one another in a way that meets individual needs and invites the process of letting go. You may find temporary release and passion with a stranger, but it takes time to develop mutually satisfying and rewarding physical intimacy that honors who you really are.

If you have sex with a stranger there are many questions: Can I trust this person? Who else has he/she been with? Is it safe? What does he/she think about cellulite? Does he/she like my size and shape?

Think about a phrase from the theme song for the  television show, Crime Scene Investigation (CSI): “Who are you?” Do you consider the risk you may be taking when you decide to bare all and get intimate with someone you don’t know?

A new sexual relationships may not be like those in magazines or romance novels. Sex doesn’t always work with a new partner. Often you are in trying-to-impress mode, which means you are not your real self and may not feel safe enough to let go. Or you try to second guess to impress and decide to try some new techniques wondering if this is the right thing to do with this new partner.

Studies from the University of Chicago show great sex happens most often with safety and commitment. Mature loving is resolute, not restless. There is a level of comfort, reassurance, and satisfaction within the level of commitment you have for one another.

friendship on fireSo what is it?  How does one achieve Friendship on Fire?  Let Dr. Linda Miles share the ways good relationships give life.  For you to enjoy a compassionate, sensual, and lasting bond, you have to find your true home with your partner.  Friendship on Fire is the key; the friendship will offer safety and the fire will provide the sparks in your connection.

Love is a fire.  Like a fire, it explodes then it gradually dies down.  It’s up to you to keep the fire aglow.  You hold the matches so you have to keep the fire under control.  Let Dr. Linda Miles share some secrets to successful and lasting relationships based on real life Friendships on Fire….couples who have been married for 30,40 or 50 years whose brain scan still look like teenagers in love without the anxiety.

How do couples keep the flames alive and glowing without burning out? How can you remain the best of lovers and the best of friends? Find out in Friendship On Fire.

Tamia & James Ingram – How Do You Keep The Music Playing

Feature Image: Copyright Tverdokhlib / BigstockPhoto.com

dating someone with anxiety

Dating Someone With Anxiety

Dr. Linda MilesWhen you’re dating someone with anxiety you are in for a different experience than the norm. You’ll want to be prepared for what could come up.

What should you be prepared for?

Remember that those with anxiety disorders may have fears that you consider irrational. It is not helpful to argue with their logic because the response is emotional. It is best for you to remain calm. It will help your partner calm down. You also need to be aware that there are changes in brain chemistry in someone with an anxiety disorder resulting in an overactive sympathetic nervous system change resulting in very real symptoms such as pounding heart, sweating, dizziness, and nervousness.

How do you handle certain situations?

PLAN AHEAD about what to do in the case of extreme anxiety in your partner. For example, if you are going to a party with a partner with high anxiety, be sure you take your own car so that you can leave if needed.

mindfulnessPRACTICE Mindfulness with your partner. I have a book titled Change Your Story, Change Your Brain with many practices and there are resources through UCLAMindfulness.com and Dukemindfulness.com. UCLA and Duke also offer phone courses that couples can take together.

What are the biggest challenges?

A good example of the typical challenges faced by couples who have one partner with anxiety disorder is a couple that I saw in therapy. Let’s call them Jim and Jane. Jim had a severe anxiety disorder and Jane would try to argue him out of his fears. He felt deeply misunderstood. He was trying his best to act normal around the family and this took a great deal of energy.

It was extremely helpful when Jane was able to let Jim know that she understood he was struggling instead of arguing. They also agreed that she would attend more of the group functions she enjoyed without him when he was feeling too symptomatic. He agreed to continue to find effective ways to deal with his anxiety.

It is a challenge to understand why a person with anxiety disorder retreats to a corner or avoids social contact without understanding the symptoms such contact may trigger including PHYSICAL effects like racing heart, sweating, dry mouth, dizziness; PSYCHOLOGICAL effects like persistent worry and EMOTIONAL effects such as extreme fear.

Compassion and calm are two of the best coping mechanisms in a partner. Anxiety is a very treatable condition so hopefully, therapy will be a consideration if needed.

choose the right partner

How to Consciously Choose the Right Partner

Dr. Linda MilesThere’s nothing worse than getting deep into a relationship and then suddenly realizing that you’ve made a poor choice. Before you get into a committed relationship with someone new, it’s important to avoid some of the common mistakes.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is becoming a “dopamine dope.” In the early stages of a relationship a chemical called dopamine is secreted in the brain that results in a high. It diminishes your ability to think clearly and see your partner objectively.
Too many people focus on making a great impression instead of keeping in mind what they want, being true to themselves and enjoying the present moment without jumping to conclusions. By taking time, you can get to know your partner and measure whether you have safety and connection.

Here is a Guide for Conscious Choices in a Partner.

  1. Kindness and Respect – The expression, “we should treat family like strangers and strangers like family,” is indicative of the amount of disrespect that is tolerated in relationships. This attitude is a barrier to the basic building blocks of long-term goodwill and respect.
  2. Ability To Learn: Curiosity – Although it is normal to have disagreements and power struggles, many couples fail to learn from conflicts and may repeat the same self-destructive scenarios and behaviors for decades.  We shouldn’t talk unless we can improve on silence.  As James Thurber noted, our tendency is to look back in anger or forward in fear, instead of “around in awareness.”
  3. Flexibility – Many people grew up in rigid families, with rigid roles. Consequently, it doesn’t occur to them to let go of patterns that clearly aren’t working.
  4. Ability To Hear Your Pain – This is what often brings couples into therapy, because they have not learned to sit and listen to one another with empathy and compassion.
  5. A Deep Inner Life On A Personal Journey – Often couples becomes too fused together, losing their individual joys and passions.
  6. Similar Passions – (Ability to have many varied good times together) – Many couples lose their pleasure bond with each other, sharing mostly complaints and drudge.
  7. Similar Values – Unfortunately we read too many “happily ever after” fairy tales, instead of understanding the importance of conscious negotiation of rules, roles, religion, and money issues, early-on in couple-hood.
  8. Compassion – Many people learn “shame and blame” games in their family. They engage in rascal hunting and learn to use these behaviors in close relationships. Families fail to watch each other with “soft eyes,” (Levine 1995) in order to address problem behaviors in a gentle manner without judgment about toward partners. Often a partner will take the “moral high ground” and lecture to the other about perceived inadequacies. Instead, of compassion shared between two equals, partners often relate to each other like they are parents of children.
  9. Ability To Laugh At Ones Self – Because many people grew up in a shame-blame environment, it is difficult for them to look at themselves lightly.
  10. Substance Abuse, Dishonesty, Cover-up – A lack of knowledge about substance abuse introduces a wild card into relationships. Also, dishonesty and cover-up cause a build-up of bad feelings, becoming ”brown stamps.”  This can lead to what I call the “anchovy pizza” syndrome. In my practice I have seen countless couples who’ve saved “brown stamps” of bad feelings, until they are ready to cash them in at the break-up redemption center. In one such case, a woman saved book after book of bad feelings about her husband’s inability to hear her needs. The last stamp was pasted when he ordered an anchovy pizza. She hated anchovies. Then, she announced, to his shock, that the pizza was the last food he’d ever order for her, because she wanted a divorce.
  11. Ability To Be A Friend And Not Just A Lover – Passion without friendship in relationships, is like doing somersaults on a circus trapeze without a safety net.
  12. Someone Who Makes Your Life Bigger, Not Smaller – Unfortunately, too many people grew up seeing family in terms of correction-city, drudge and duty. Consequently, they perceive commitment as a prison sentence, instead of a shared adventure.

Although, this is an easy list to memorize, the difficulty lays in breaking the patterns that prevent maintenance of our desired behaviors. Peggy Papp, a famous family therapist remarked that we come out of our own family of origin with a “cookie-cutter” approach to life and it requires “heroic moments” to change the shape of our own cookie-cutters.

Visualize your dream relationship several times a day and that will help to begin to change your cookie-cutter. Focus on who and what you want, instead of who and what you don’t want. Only one person can defeat you in the endeavor, that person is you. Inner correction creates outer correction.  

friendship on fireGet Your Copy of Friendship on Fire
by Dr. Linda Miles

Maintaining a lasting, loving relationship starts by accepting that happily ever after is a myth. Friendship on Fire is a reality tale that gives practical and spiritual strategies for a passionate connection that lasts. Love is a fire; like a fire it explodes then when the fuel is gone it starts to die. You hold the matches needed to keep that fire aglow but under control. You are responsible for your relationship; build it on a Friendship on Fire. You need passion to keep the sparks flying and friendship for to keep them under control. Therapist Dr. Linda Miles shares secrets to successful and lasting relationships based on real life. She uses her more than thirty years of experience and research to explain what really works to keep the flames alive in simple, yet inspiring language. Friendship on Fire is loaded with tips that couples can implement to be more loving. It s up to you what you do with your matches.