rebounding

How to Tell If The Person You’re Dating Is Rebounding

Rebounding often has a negative connotation, but rebounding is not necessarily negative. Relationships may end making us better or bitter. Over three decades as a licensed and marriage and family therapist, I have watched many people end relationships and move on to make healthier choices. The definition of rebound refers to an object hitting a hard surface and bouncing back. There can be healthy rebounds.

How can you tell if someone is rebounding in an unhealthy way into a new relationship?

What Is Their Attitude Toward the Last Relationship?

Since the opposite of love is not hate but indifference, a rebounding partner who still maintains a significant degree of anger is probably not ready to begin anew. Such people will need some time and space to understand the part they played in the former destructive relational dance that should not be repeated. When there remains inordinate shame and blame it is unlikely that a person is ready to move on.

Are You Trying to Rescue Them?

Another red flag is when the potential new partner continues to feel a need to rescue the person from the former relationship. If stuck in roles as rescuer, victim or a persecutor in relation to former partner it is unlikely he/she is ready to begin with someone new.

I will give you a couple examples of healthy and unhealthy and rebounds:

Jerry was a 50-year-old who initially came in for marriage counseling with his wife. In the process they made a decision to divorce. He remained in therapy for another six months and examined the part that he had played in behaviors that led to divorce. He had been critical and at times contemptuous of her and she responded by being defensive and building an emotional wall. He was determined to change those patterns in future relationships and met and married someone else the next year. He has gone on to create an extraordinarily strong marriage.

On the other hand, an example of an unhealthy rebound was a 35-year-old woman with two children who caustically blamed her husband for all their problems. She remained unwilling to look at her choices and part that she played in the destructive patterns. She rebounded quickly into another marriage after her divorce. In the beginning things went well because she ranted about her ex-husband and her new husband saw himself as of white knight who came to the rescue. Within two years, she began to blame her new husband for their problems and demonized him in her mind. Despite his willingness to work on the marriage, she separated and rebounded quickly into yet another relationship.

Rebounding is not, in and of itself, a bad thing. It depends upon one’s attitude and whether the person becomes bitter or better.

About Dr. Linda Miles

Dr. Linda Miles has worked in the field of mental health for over thirty years as psychotherapist, consultant, educator and writer.

She has appeared on national television, radio and in magazines such as Woman’s World, Parents and Entrepreneur. She wrote the award-winning book The New Marriage, Transcending the Happily Ever After Myth with her husband, Dr. Robert Miles. Recently she has published:

Dr. Miles has also served the mental health community through public service, including on the National Advisory Board of Access Technologies Social Simentor Model for Intervention with Autism and the Florida Commission on Support Initiatives for Marriage and Family. She has received several professional awards for her service, such as the “Outstanding Educator in Business and Industry” award from Florida State University and the “Outstanding Contributions to Knowledge in the Practice of Marriage and Family Therapy” award from the Tallahassee Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

Dr. Miles has a continued passion for creating a better world through loving relationships. Visit her online at www.DrLindaMiles.com

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dating someone with anxiety

Dating Someone With Anxiety

Dr. Linda MilesWhen you’re dating someone with anxiety you are in for a different experience than the norm. You’ll want to be prepared for what could come up.

What should you be prepared for?

Remember that those with anxiety disorders may have fears that you consider irrational. It is not helpful to argue with their logic because the response is emotional. It is best for you to remain calm. It will help your partner calm down. You also need to be aware that there are changes in brain chemistry in someone with an anxiety disorder resulting in an overactive sympathetic nervous system change resulting in very real symptoms such as pounding heart, sweating, dizziness, and nervousness.

How do you handle certain situations?

PLAN AHEAD about what to do in the case of extreme anxiety in your partner. For example, if you are going to a party with a partner with high anxiety, be sure you take your own car so that you can leave if needed.

mindfulnessPRACTICE Mindfulness with your partner. I have a book titled Change Your Story, Change Your Brain with many practices and there are resources through UCLAMindfulness.com and Dukemindfulness.com. UCLA and Duke also offer phone courses that couples can take together.

What are the biggest challenges?

A good example of the typical challenges faced by couples who have one partner with anxiety disorder is a couple that I saw in therapy. Let’s call them Jim and Jane. Jim had a severe anxiety disorder and Jane would try to argue him out of his fears. He felt deeply misunderstood. He was trying his best to act normal around the family and this took a great deal of energy.

It was extremely helpful when Jane was able to let Jim know that she understood he was struggling instead of arguing. They also agreed that she would attend more of the group functions she enjoyed without him when he was feeling too symptomatic. He agreed to continue to find effective ways to deal with his anxiety.

It is a challenge to understand why a person with anxiety disorder retreats to a corner or avoids social contact without understanding the symptoms such contact may trigger including PHYSICAL effects like racing heart, sweating, dry mouth, dizziness; PSYCHOLOGICAL effects like persistent worry and EMOTIONAL effects such as extreme fear.

Compassion and calm are two of the best coping mechanisms in a partner. Anxiety is a very treatable condition so hopefully, therapy will be a consideration if needed.